March 3, 2012 well i can honestly say that times flew by the more time i spend with him the more i fall in love. what a streesful wonderful time of my life graduation coming up my 10th with my boyfriend nearing its been splededb but how am i to chose what i will do for the rest of my life i feel like they have said plan your life out now!! pick what you will be doing for the rest of your mesirable human life i simply cant i am not like that it is immposaible for me to know what could come next...-hopfuly a life with my wonderful boyfriend i think thats what i need right now a solid relationship and solid ground to stand on.
Oct 7,2011
Why am i mad??? you did not just sak me that.........People are unbelievable somtimes......Im so tired i've had a long day and i still have to go to work.......Why am i mad???? Well im mad because i put so much time into being with you so much energy. I Love You, I CARE but you havnt proven to me anything.....I need a MAN not a boy i dont need someone who cant help me who hasnt grown up who cant handle there shit at school if you cant handel that how can you handle having a family one day being responisable for a kid I love you with all my heart but HOW????? I constanty have to justfiy to the people around me why i stay why im with you and i stick up for you but how can i stick up for you when you havnt given any help to stick up for you???? but thatz just how im feeling i need you to show me YOU can be a MAN that You will be able to be there for me that WE will be okay.
Oct,4,2011
About 6 hours later
"say what you say i just sail away she cant stand me but i miss her face i feel like drowning but the tides to low and i will wait for the undertow"......Well now is one of my zen moments haha thatz not drug induced since i stoped doing that stuff i feel better any wayz.......Im laying in bed lisenting to dirty heads dreaming of the beach the warm rays of sun hiting my pale body laying in the cool water not a worry in the world...thatz what i live for those momentz thatz why i continue to thrive so i can reach ultimte peace with myself ultimte comfort one of the most satsifying things in the world i live for that to be comftrobol in my own skin to enjoy the little thingz life has to offer haha like a cup of tea an empty house and great music like now......This is why im still here for THIZ SO I CAN LIVE MY LIFE HOW I WANT TO!
Oct,4,2011
Here I am sitting here when BAM memiore attack i hate thiz when all my memiories come flying at me at once pounding my brain itz like there trapted in my head spinging around in there rageing this way and that trying to find an escape or some place to rest some place peacful until there stired once again like leafs rustled by the wind the attack me im stuck in the same place once again and i cant get out no matter how hard i try....all of ,my memiores come spilling out of me in the form of warm tears rushing down my cheaks...i cant stop the stream of pain as it flows out of me it continues like this until i am a mess eyes red face puffy and i can barely utter the words "make it stop", how can i escape these things that torment me? I cant. I can only learn to deal with them.
Oct,3,2011
Well at this moment i am re-living standing in a crowd of people being pushed this way and that way the fresh smell of weed that filled my lungs an overwhelming smell of alchol so strong that i coud almost taste the liqours golden stream runing down my throat mixed all with the finest, why of course its the most classy, cigerattes this however left a musty smoke that lingered over the crowd as they swayed like the ocean to the rhythem of the music the roaring noise the sea would make was mearly the lyrics of the music being screamed at the top of every persons lungs. what a classy group of people. I will never forget these moments where i am at peace in the middest of the chaos is where it happens when i am shoved this way and that for the love of the music that is by far the most overwhelming blanket of peace for my cold frail body that shievers from the cold bitter wind that whips across my body leaving me scared and infected with the bitter ways of this world..... In the middle of the crowd here i am wondering how in the fucking world did i get here??? Looking around it seems to be a dream or illustion of some sort this couldnt be my body in this crowd of people but it is and i am having the time of my life. I didnt have to have my best friend there i didnt have to have anyone but myself and i would have been just fine i let the words from the song heal me and take away my pain..... what a wonderful night, what an unforgetable moment, what the fuck was i doing there?!? (my favorite band papa roach played that spectacular night =) )
Oct,2,2011
Well yesterday started out pretty shity (technicly itz yesterday since itz 12:18) but yea it waz a saturday morning and i had the SAT yet another loop hole i must jump through in life in order to be succsful in any such way.....it sadens me to think that we can determine who is intellectally gifted and who isnt by taking a test because some people deserve it far more than others who are 'intellectally gifted" in other words intellectally LAZY. yes i undersatnd i may not be the smartest and im not ever going to be but i WORK 10 times harder to get what i deserve than the people who just get it FUCKING NATURAL and it makes me angry that this will tell what college i can go to a test is just to sse how good you take a TEST!!!!! any ways my day continued to go nowher and get incresling worse i felt streesed and tired and decied to unwind with my best friend and go to the mall at which point i wasnt feeling much better i moped around the mall in self pitty.....not very fun i may add.....however i waz with my 2 good friendz that i care fro dearly and having them around waz nice then it did get better it went form bad to good and we went to starbuckz for 5 hours and stayed till it closed....I meet a 6 year old named Andy there and we played soccor with a paper ball.....i might have knocked him down once to score a goal lol but it happens then i had a straw sword fight with him where i proceded to fall on the floor after he stabed me.....he showed me how not innocent little kids were by calling me and my friends dumbasses....he learned that at school then he told me that my best friend kate looked like my mother he asked is that your mom and we all laughed and called her old after that then he told me the best thing santa gave him waz a xbox 360 O.o sadness there corupting the youth with video games......well i had a carmel mochiat and black tea then green tea then passion tea and finally a regular coffee i got refilles thatz right =) now i cold have spent the night at my friends house and chilled with her but i decied to come home a fatial mistake i come home and im having a great conversation with my parents that some how managbes to go south nad when i say south i mean south......and none the less my day started in anger and ended in tears...........damn my lif eis one big fucking emotional rollercoaster .....and my bf goneand i miss him......=( just adding to my sadness cant wait for him to come back hes the best he spoils me with his love haha and puts up with my bitchung i dont know how but he does and you have to be special to put up with my shit.......i love him so much hes become my life and yes i do think about marrying him at thiz young age im in love sad to say....loves a bitch but hey i love him and theres nothingi can do about it i will not fight thiz feeling its to good to fight he turns my whole world inside out in the best way possiable and he makes me so happy i realy hope this goes far i know its a far fetched dream to think he will stay with me form the young age of 17 but waht can i say I'm in love with the boy! <3 Welp i ended my complaints on a rather good note i would say goodnight!!!
Sept,19,2011
Who am I to you? What do I truley mean to you? What is my true value? At what price must we fight? I am of your flesh of your making am I not? The same blood that runs through your veins is the same blood that sustains my very existence. Am i not enought for you? Im not what you wanted what you dreamed about. It would seem i am a burden nothing what you wanted. Despite my attemps to be excepted by you I fail every time trying to please you by doing this or please you by doing that. Well that is no longer how I will live, I will live for me For My Well Being not yours. I will make myself happy I will put forth the effort to recieve what I work so hard for, I have relised i am worth somthing and there is somthing for me. Where are we in a rush to go NO WHERE we rush through life and dont even stop to see what it may have to offer and still you push me and tug at me tell me to hurry up. I have been worn down by you. Yo have left me hanging on the edge and I will not stand for this any more. I will respect you and honor you because i love you but i will not try to please you this is not about you, where i am going in life does not depened on your happiness but mine. Although that is all I ever wanted was for you to be happy with who i have grown to be, but as it would seem that dream will no longer burden me because I AM HAPPY with who I AM today and that is what truley matters. I will no longer burden myself and challenge myself fo ryour sake i will not be responisable for the fruit I did not chose to bear. It was not me who chose this I was merley placed in the scheem of it all. I will concentart on me i need to get out of here and if I do not concentrat on myself and my needs i never will. So please do tell me WHAT DO I MEAN TO YOU?
Sept,17,2011
I had a wonderful day yesterday....the best friday ever despite having to go to jail (school) it was was absoultly splendid i hung out with my best friend and my boyfriend.....we wnt to my favorite place starbuckz and had a great time enjoying each others compiny yesterday waz fun and then me and my best friend came home and swam in the pool till 12 ockl at night =) what a good night.
Sept,12,2011
So i relised today i am truley in Love with my boy friend no ifs ands or butts about it i love him with all my hear t and i alwyas want to be with him....how could thiz happen i fnd myself saying alot but hell how can i deny the fact that i love him i tried to fight thiz but i cant and will not I am not afriad to love anymore becuz i know he will not hurt me.....if i need to make some changes i think im ready to...any thing for him anything.....he is my world i love him he makes me smile when im mad, happy when im sad and most of all hes the BEST BOYFREND EVER!!!!!!
Sept,11,2011
well today is alright. Any wayz. I went to a PAPA ROACH conerct it was so amazing..... <3. The stage was dark and lights flashed the music played loud in my ears we were in the front of the mosh pit the air waz thick and hot. Smoke filled my lungs from the people around me and the air recked of weed, cigz and liqour a combanation of the finest the crowd roard with excitment as they steped onto the stage eevery band put on a show and it all lead up to that one moment when Jacoby Shaddix ran onto the stage the atmosphere waz set he ran acroos singing geting away with murder the crowed went wild people being thrown ontop of people fights broke out in the mosh pit and complet Kaos(chaos) broke out...what a FUCKING NIGHT!!!!!! The End.
Aug, 7 2011
Today was rather amazing i hung out at my house with my boyfriend and best friend vinny we hung out for a while i snuggled with my boyfriend listened to music and then my friend fell asleep and me and my boyfriend went to the kitchen where we proceeded to make a hippo pigy bank out of cardboard i found then we watched a movie called 'Gulaber Island" i didn't spell it right but whatever it had jack black in it.......then i took my boyfriend home after droping the movie off and saying bye to my friend........he even ate the food i made him today for once....my feelingz for him are continuing to blossom i love him and he is slowly wining me over even with all of his bad habits and good habits i love him and he has become one of the best things in my small insignificant life....all in all itz just another day in my life.
July, 21 2011
Watching the room as it spins around my head.
Thinking of all the things that have yet to be said.
My thoughts crash over me as dismay flows through my veins.
Could anything ever relieve me of all this pain?
My hands tingle and my body goes numb.
As my thoughts drift slowly away, I receive nothing from what I’ve become.
A wave of relief slowly trickles over me taking away all of my grief.
But as quick as it goes it comes back again.
Only to consume my thoughts in the end.
My voice becomes raspy and my mouth is now dry.
As tears fall from my bloodshot glazed over eyes.
The silence surrounding me echo’s the truth that I dare not speak.
This is what has become of me.
still working on thiz pome.
June, 22 2011
Tonight was simply magical......i cant even describe the butterflies i get when im with him the feeling I get..... the thingz i want to do wow hes so amazing finaly im happy with life therez nothing eles in the world that could make me any happier itz a whirld wind of happiness from here i see my self in a couple years i wont be here anymore finaly i can leave for good and i can live my life thiz iz what itz all about the moment when we grow up lol we wait our whole life for that moment when we grow up but then we relise thatz not what life is about....itz about finding the ones you love finding yourself and falling in love with life =)
